


Selfish

by Telvia



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Drama, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 08:41:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10185326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Telvia/pseuds/Telvia
Summary: Sungmin has a secret...Leeteuk is bound to find out sooner or later...Sungmin decides it's time to tell his boyfriend...





	

Sungmin and I had been dating for a few months. We met at the beginning of summer at a park near my apartment. He had been the one to shyly approach me. I had been sitting at my usual bench reading when he worked up the nerve to introduce himself, claiming to have seen me a couple times before. If I didn't have my nose buried in a book all the time and had spotted him, I would've made the first move. He was simply adorable. Slightly puffy cheeks, pouty pink lips and brown hair swept to one side across his forehead. Bright, eager eyes. We hit it off immediately, making plans to meet each other every day that summer in the usual place. As we got more comfortable, we ventured off to other venues: cafes, the movies or an arcade.

One of my friends, Heechul, was throwing a party later tonight and I was bringing Sungmin as my date, of course. He was my boyfriend after all. Sungmin had yet to meet my friends and both parties seemed excited for the introduction though Sungmin was a bit on the nervous side as well. My friends, especially Heechul, always cajoled me and joked that my boyfriend didn't exist and they wouldn't believe I had one until they laid eyes on him. I assured them he was real and not some guy I had made up just to appease them. Still, tonight was the night I got to show off my boyfriend to my friends and I was excited at the chance. Part of me couldn't wait to shut Heechul up.

Now, Sungmin and I had been dating for a while but we hadn't even kissed let alone held hands. We were able to show our affection in other ways. Words. Expressions. Gestures. We didn't need to be all over each other like most couples. He seemed really shy and never pushed or initiated for anything more and I was perfectly content with how things were going between us. There was no need to rush. If it was meant to happen, it would happen. I also didn't press the issue, not wanting to make Sungmin uncomfortable. So, we had never touched. Big deal. I figured I'd let him make the first move in that department as well. He would when he was ready.

I had just finished getting ready for Heechul's party and I was anxiously waiting for Sungmin to show up at my place. We always came back to my place. I had never even seen his but I didn't find it weird. He said he had roommates and I lived alone so it was just easier to use my place. I paced around my living room nervously as I waited for Sungmin to arrive. Oh, I couldn't take it anymore. I'd wait for him outside. Flinging my door open, I came up short when I saw Sungmin on the other side of the threshold, closed hand raised in the middle of a knock with wide eyes.

“Minnie!” I greeted with a grin.

“Hey Teukie,” he smiled cutely, lowering his arm to twist at his side shyly.

I glanced down at his outfit and covered my mouth with the flat of my hand to hide my chuckle.

“What's wrong?” he asked worriedly, looking down at himself.

“Nothing. You look great, like always,” I assured him. And he did. He always did. “We should take you shopping one of these days. You wear variations of the same thing. It's the same outfit as yesterday only you added a suit jacket.”

“Blah blah, I'm as adorable as always,” he claimed as he stuck his pink tongue out at me.

He stepped aside and I walked out, locking the door behind me as I laughed with him.

“Oh, hello Leeteuk! Who are you talking to?” a sweet old woman's voice called from behind me.

I spun away from the door to wave at my neighbor, out walking her puffball of a dog like she did every evening.

“Hi Mrs. Kim. This is my friend Sungmin,” I said, gesturing to my boyfriend as we walked down the stone path of my complex towards her.

Her eyebrows rose in question, eyes shifting between me and Sungmin. I figured it would be easier for her to think of him as my friend instead of my boyfriend. I looked to Sungmin out of the corner of my eye to see him hanging his head while he twisted the hem of his shirt in his hands.

“Don't worry about it,” I whispered to him in an aside. “She'll forget she even bumped into us after taking her nap.”

He snickered and we continued on our way to Heechul's house once I had him smiling again.

 

 

 

I could feel the thumping of the blasting music through the sidewalk as we paced up to the house. People were scattered everywhere. The lawn, the porch, some were even hanging out of open windows. I could see shadows of bodies moving passed the windows that remained closed, blinds pulled.

“Ready to mingle?” I asked Sungmin with an encouraging smile.

“Always! Don't be surprised if you lose sight of me. There are tons of people here. I'm sure to be swept away in the crowd,” he teased.

“As long as you end up back at my side by the end of the night.”

“Of course,” he winked.

I was amazed at how quick Sungmin was swallowed up by the mass of dancing and drinking people. It wasn't hard for me to spot Heechul. He was stationed by the kitchen counter near all the drinks, one of the loudest voices here. His eyes lit up when he saw me approaching and he raised both arms in greeting.

“Teuk Teuk!” he called loudly.

“Hey Chullie,” I replied as he pulled me into a hug.

“Where's your boy toy?” he asked with a laugh.

I pulled away to look around, searching the gyrating crowd for his familiar figure.

“He's floating around here somewhere. There he is!”

I lifted a finger to point over to the far wall. Sungmin raised a hand to wave at me, standing in a circle of people that were laughing at some joke that had been told. He was laughing as well and turned to join back in on the conversation.

“By the wall?”

“Yeah.”

“With the hat?”

“No, more to the right.”

“The jacket?”

“Yeah.”

“He's cute.”

“Adorable.”

“I guess this means you weren't making him up. I concede,” he mused with a sly smile.

We stayed for about two hours. We each did our own thing but made sure to stay in each others sights. Neither of us seemed to be too involved in the conversations we were listening to, rather stare at each other from across the room instead. It was almost the two hour mark when I noticed he was looking a bit pale. He ushered me over with a flourish of his hand and I excused myself to go to him straight away.

“I'm not feeling well. I think I”m going to go. You can stay.”

“No, I'll come with you. Wait for me outside? Get some fresh air while I say goodbye for us.”

He nodded and began to make his way to the front door, dodging bodies as he went. I looked around the room to find Heechul. I rolled my eyes when I saw he was busy locking lips with Hangeng in the corner of the kitchen.

“Heechul,” I tapped him on the shoulder once I drew to his side.

He released his hold on Hangeng reluctantly, blinking up at me with a frown, eyes glaring at being torn away from his boyfriend.

“Sungmin and I are gonna go. He's not feeling well.”

“Aw did you spike his drink? Clever,” he slurred. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. “Tell'm 'twas nice seeing him even though we didn get to talk. Nice to put a face to a name.”

I swiveled my eyes to Hangeng. I widened them and raised my brows for emphasis.

“Don't worry, Teukie. I've already cut him off. I'll stay with him tonight and make sure he's alright.”

I clapped the Chinese man on the shoulder before going to meet up with Sungmin. He was standing out on the sidewalk, staring down at his toes. I made my way to him briskly.

“You okay?”

He smiled up at me, “Yeah feeling better already. Just a little tired. Guess it was just stuffy in there.”

“I don't mind leaving. Not my scene anyway.”

“I know it's not.”

We began walking in the direction of my place, side by side. It was dark but the light of the moon lit the way. I smiled to myself as we strolled leisurely, both of us dragging our feet as we got closer and closer.

“Leeteuk?” Sungmin whispered softly.

“Hm?” I turned my head to look at him.

“Got any plans tomorrow?”

“Yeah. I'm meeting my boyfriend,” I replied with a goofy smile. “Like every other day. What did you have in mind?”

“I want to show you something. Will you come with me?”

“Of course.”

We had reached the door of my apartment but I didn't make a move to enter or invite him inside. We stood by the door, just looking at each other. I don't know how long we were like that but I knew I didn't want it to end. Too bad we both needed sleep and Sungmin appeared to be fading fast.

“Meet me at the cafe tomorrow?”

I knew which one he was talking about. We inhabited the same one each time we went out. I nodded in reply and watched as he backed away down the path towards the sidewalk, smiling at me the whole way with his hands in his pockets, eyes locked on mine. I kept the door ajar until I couldn't see him walking down the street anymore and had no choice but to shut it. We hadn't even kissed, yet why was my heart fluttering so wildly?

 

 

 

When I arrived at the cafe the following day, Sungmin was already there waiting for me, sitting in a booth in the corner. It was seat yourself but Sungmin had already claimed a spot for us. I strolled over to him and slid into the cushy seat across from him. The waiter came over to hand me a menu. I assumed Sungmin had already decided what he wanted while waiting for me.

“Were you waiting long?” I asked as I held the menu in my hands, not looking at it. Honestly, we had been here enough times, I didn't need to look at it. I knew all that they had to offer.

“Not at all,” he beamed, placing his elbows on the table to rest his chin in his closed fists.

He wasn't wearing the jacket from yesterday but the shirt and jeans looked the same. Maybe he did laundry often. Or maybe he found clothes he loved and bought multiples of each garment. If it wasn't broke don't fix it, right? I smiled back. The perky waiter bounced to our table, pen and pad of paper at the ready.

“Are we ready to order?” he asked, turning his attention to me.

“I'll have the special,” I replied simply.

I looked to Sungmin as the waiter took my menu. He waved a hand through the air dismissively.

“I'm not hungry,” he claimed.

The waiter turned on his heel without another word to drop off my order to the kitchen.

“You sure?” I asked him.

“Yeah.”

“We didn't have to come here first if you weren't hungry.”

“But _you're_ hungry,” he said with a charming smile.

He drummed his fingers on the table top silently as I ate quickly. I didn't want to keep him waiting for me any longer than necessary and he already appeared nervous for some reason. I wondered what it was he wanted to show me.

“Ready?” he asked after I paid for my food.

“Are _you_? You're shaking like a leaf. You're not taking me to meet your second boyfriend, are you?” I replied teasingly.

“No,” he snorted as he scooted out of his side of the booth. “There's only you.”

 

Sungmin lead the way through town. I noticed we were nearing the park where we had first met, but it was still a ways off in the distance. Instead, he turned to the right, following a dirt path. I started to grow weary. My heart thumped harshly in my chest almost as if it were trying to escape. My palms began to sweat and I licked my dry lips. Heartbeat echoing in my ears, my heart was rising in my throat and the walls of my throat were closing in on it. I could feel the blood pumping through my veins as we journeyed deeper into this particular part of the grounds. I glanced down nervously at the stones that lined the dirt path, each with it's own set of names and dates engraved into them. Some had bouquets of flowers draped across the foot of them on the green grass. Others had different varieties of tokens showing loved ones had been there.

“S-Sungmin? Why are we walking in the cemetery?”

Even though it was daylight, it was still weird and a bit creepy for me. I never liked graveyards of any sort. Maybe he wanted to visit the markers belonging to his parents and wanted me to come along so I could formally meet them. He had never mentioned them so I figured they had passed. He stopped in front of one and turned to face me, legs blocking the name etched into the granite.

“You need to see,” he said in a serious tone, face sad.

“See what?”

He stepped to the side and my eyes dropped to the headstone:

Lee Sungmin

His grandfather? No. The dates weren't right. My heart plummeted to the pit of my stomach. My chest tightened and my head swooned, vision swimming. Tears sprung to the corners of my eyes as I clutched at my shirt over my heart, gasping for breath. My knees weakened and I stumbled to keep myself standing.

“No. No no no. This can't be,” I shook my head, not believing it for a second. “No. You can't be dead. You can't. This isn't fair. I love you!”

The tears were streaming down my face, burning hot trails into my skin. I looked to him to see tears were staining his own perfect face, forming dark spots on his shirt as they fell from his chin.

“I know. I love you too. Ever since I first saw you on that bench.”

I followed where his nod had indicated. To my left across the park a ways was the wooden bench I always occupied to read my books.

“No,” I whispered, turning back to him, pleading with my eyes to tell me it wasn't true.

“It was selfish of me, but I had to try talking to you. I didn't think you'd be able to see me, but you did,” he sniffed, wiping his arm across his face as he sobbed.

“You're lying. You're making this up. You're not dead,” I said angrily, jabbing a finger to the ground to emphasize each word.

“Why do you think I've never kissed you? Why we've never touched or held hands? Cuddled,” he explained, trying to get me to understand and see his reasoning.

“Because … because we didn't _need_ to! We expressed our feelings differently, _our_ way,” I practically growled.

He bit his bottom lip and dropped his head to the side. No. I could touch him. I _would_ touch him. I took a step forward and raised a palm to his face. I slowed before touching him, fearing for a moment that his words might be true. Sungmin leaned the rest of the way into my touch and I gasped when it passed right through what I hoped would be a soft, warm cheek. A sad smile graced his face. Sobs racked my body, sending me to my knees before him. It was true. He was dead. Had been dead all this time.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**Author's Note:**

> My only hope is that it wasn't obvious until they got to the cemetery ;~;


End file.
